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Mr Plinkett
Harry S. Plinkett (born 1906) is a senile old man and serial killer who kidnaps hookers and enjoys eating Pizza Rolls. He lives in Teaneck, New Jersey and is most famous for his online reviews of the Star Wars prequels and Next Generation Star Trek films. He has a unique voice that is often compared to Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama, Dan Akroyd's character from The Blues Brothers and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. He is portrayed by Mike Stoklasa in his reviews, and Rich Evans in Half in the Bag, Feeding Frenzy, and several short films made prior to Stoklasa's reviews. Childhood Harry S. Plinkett claims to be born in 1906, apparently in Europe (as indicated by Plinkett and his family having been on the Titanic's maiden voyage), to an abusive father, described by Plinkett to be a hard working, blue-collared guy that molested his children, and a mother that was beaten by her husband on several occasions. At an unknown point during Harry's childhood, he was infected with Polio, later saying that this disease ruined his childhood. He also claims to have snuck aboard the Titanic with his parents because they were too cheap to buy tickets, and afterwards climbing into the bridge and steered the ship into an iceberg at the urging of an imaginary pizza roll. His mother was able to escape with Harry, but his father didn't make it, an event which seems to have traumatized Plinkett. At some point in his childhood, Harry possibly slaughtered some people. Whether or not it was an accident or intentional is unknown. His mother covered up the incident and told Harry to bury the corpses under the floorboards, and that nobody needed to know. However, one point that contradicts Plinkett's claims of being born in 1906 is the fact that he has previously mentioned enjoying the use of illicit substances in the 1860s. Later Life Later in his life, Plinkett met a woman, and the two got married. Together, they had three kids, one daughter and two son, both of which turned out to be the biggest disappointments of his life until he saw Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace. His first, unnamed son, once crashed his car into a Taco Bell. When his court-appointed lawyer Larry Gruber failed to defend him, he was sentenced to 60 years in prison. While on parole, he hung himself in a gas station bathroom, much to Plinkett's delight. His second son, Rian Johnson, born in 1973, was such a disgrace to him, that he rarely ever talks about him, only bringing him up in his review of Star Wars: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, which just further shamed him. His daughter graduated from University. Plinkett later remarked that he knew the graduation ceremony was going to suck before he went there, but went there anyway. Plinkett also has a granddaughter named Crystal, whom he regularly visits at the local strip club. Plinkett once had an illegitimate child with a Vietnamese woman while in the Vietnam war, but the kid died from Napalm, the best birth control the military has to offer. As time passed Plinkett's relationship with his wife deteriorated. When Mrs. Plinkett started getting "cheap", Harry had had enough. He slammed his Cadillac into a tree at 85mph, sending Mrs. Plinkett out the windshield to her death. He regretfully said in one of his reviews that he wished he could have murdered his wife without destroying the front of his car. How Plinkett survived this crash is currently unknown. Plinkett claims that the ghost of his wife sometimes appears at the foot of his bed saying "revenge". Some time later, Plinkett met Bambi, a 19-year-old waitress at the Taj Mahal Casino in New Jersey. They were briefly married, but when Plinkett discovered she was only with him for his money, and was secretly taking money out of his wallet, he slit her wrists in the bathtub. He then paid a prostitute to write a fake suicide note for Bambi's death, before pushing the prostitute down a well and disposing of Bambi's body in the garbage. Plinkett has committed an uncountable number of crimes, including the above mentioned. He has abducted at least two prostitutes and locked one down in his basement and the other one in his crawl space. When said hooker attempted to escape, he poisoned her by spraying her with six cans of Raid Fast Kill Low Irritant. He has also abducted an entire squad of cheerleaders, but possibly let them go with the promise that they wouldn't tell anyone. He also once "adopted" a little boy named Johnny from a grocery store parking lot. Despite the horrendous acts Plinkett does, he is never caught or punished with very much. At one time he accidently ran over a Korean family, killing an unknown number. Weither it was actually an accident or not is unknown, however, he only got fined and had to attend traffic school. At one point, the cops obtained a warrant for his arrest, breaking into his house, leading to a shoot out. Plinkett kills at least one officer and is hit himself, however, he gets off scot free, as shown in later review. How or why he got off is never explained. Plinkett enjoys killing his captives in interesting ways. He once abducted two girls and chained them up in the basement.He then dumped five seperate puzzles onto the floor, mixed them up, and told them they had to put all five back together in one hour. When they weren't able to, he stuffed them both into an old refrigerator filled with flesh-eating cockroaches. One Halloween, Plinkett abducted a woman dress like a Navi from Avatar. He then proceeded to gassed her, saying she needed it to breath. Plinkett owns a cat. He sometimes milks it and on at least one occasion, performed sexual acts on it, resulting in its pregnancy. His cat had the starring role in his educational film titled "Eating Pussy: A Guide To Preparing Feline Meat", in which he slaughtered his cat by holding it's head up to a bench saw and mutilating it. He then prepared the pussy and assumbily ate it. Plinkett is very depraved. He enjoys fucking his cat (when not eating it) and once masturbated to footage of the Olson Twins, an act that blasted a hole in his TV. He also sleeps with a copy of Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.